EMDR for Grief and Painful Loss: When a Memory Feels Stuck

At a glance

EMDR may be considered when a bereaved person has distressing memories or trauma-related symptoms that warrant treatment. The evidence is more limited than for PTSD generally. One randomized study of people bereaved by homicide found benefits from a combined CBT-and-EMDR intervention compared with a waiting list. Because the treatment combined approaches, the study cannot tell us how much benefit came specifically from EMDR. ^[1]

The goal should not be to erase a relationship or require someone to stop grieving. It should be to address an identified difficulty while respecting the significance of the loss.

Grief is not automatically an illness

A clinical review of complicated grief emphasizes that many bereaved people adapt without requiring a formal psychological intervention, while some experience persistent, impairing difficulties that deserve assessment and care. That historical review helps distinguish ordinary bereavement from a treatment need; it should not be used as a source for today's exact diagnostic thresholds. ^[2]

For this article, the practical point is simple: sadness after loss is not evidence that someone is processing incorrectly. Neither anniversaries nor moments of renewed emotion automatically mean that recovery has failed. A clinician should consider the person's context and functioning rather than impose a universal emotional schedule.

Our recommendation is to begin by asking what help the person wants, rather than assuming that all grief needs the same intervention.

Separate missing someone from being overwhelmed by an event

Consider a hypothetical client who wants to remember a loved one's life but repeatedly becomes caught in the image of a frightening final moment. Another person might primarily be struggling with loneliness, changed responsibilities, or unanswered questions. These experiences may require different conversations.

The distinction is not a diagnostic shortcut. It is a way to make the treatment goal more precise. “I want to be able to think about the person without only seeing the hospital room” describes a different goal from “I do not want to feel sad anymore.”

A therapist should help clarify the goal without promising that treatment will remove every painful emotion associated with loss.

What the combined-treatment trial found

The van Denderen study involved eighty-five homicidally bereaved adults and tested an eight-session treatment combining CBT and EMDR. It reported improvement in complicated-grief and posttraumatic-stress symptoms compared with waiting. The setting, type of loss, and combined intervention limit how broadly the result should be applied. ^[1]

It would be inaccurate to turn that finding into “EMDR is proven for all grief.” It would also be inaccurate to ignore the result entirely. The study offers a reason to investigate targeted treatment for particular bereavement-related difficulties, while leaving important questions about individual components and wider applicability.

Treatment should not threaten the bond

A common question worth inviting in the consultation is whether feeling less distressed would somehow mean loving the person less. Our recommendation is to distinguish the relationship from the intensity of a particular reaction. The client should be able to describe what they want to preserve as well as what they want help carrying.

For example, a hypothetical client may want to keep a tradition, remember ordinary moments, or speak the person's name more freely. Those preferences can help define a meaningful goal. The therapist should not assume that detachment, forgiveness, or a particular spiritual interpretation is necessary for progress.

Different families and cultures understand bereavement differently. A respectful treatment conversation asks about those meanings instead of replacing them with a standard story about closure.

What EMDR can reasonably aim to address

The VA describes EMDR as a treatment that works with distress associated with traumatic memories. That supports a rationale for considering trauma-focused care when PTSD is part of a bereaved person's presentation. It does not, by itself, establish an EMDR treatment claim for grief as a whole. ^[3]

Our editorial recommendation is to make that boundary visible in consent. Is the plan addressing trauma symptoms, a specific distressing memory, depressive symptoms, or grief-related impairment? What alternative approaches are available? How will the clinician decide whether the selected method is helping?

A clearly named target protects against treating every difficult aspect of loss as though it were one mechanism.

Make room for practical and relational support

Psychotherapy cannot resolve every consequence of a death. A hypothetical bereaved parent may also need childcare, financial guidance, community support, or help organizing daily tasks. A treatment plan should not reduce those needs to thoughts that require reprocessing.

We recommend asking what is burdensome outside the appointment and which supports are already present. That question does not replace therapy. It prevents therapy from becoming the only lens through which a person's life is understood.

Similarly, family members should not use treatment as a deadline: “You have had therapy, so you should be over this.” The relevant review is whether the care is helping with agreed goals, not whether grief has disappeared.

A question that respects both pain and connection

“What part of this loss feels hardest to live with, and what would I want treatment to help without changing what this person means to me?”

This is a reflective prompt, not a self-directed processing exercise. It can help prepare for a conversation with a qualified clinician without requiring the person to revisit distressing details alone.

Bottom line

EMDR may belong in care for selected trauma-related or other assessed difficulties after loss. The evidence remains limited and should be described honestly. Good treatment does not require forgetting, ending love, or making grief fit a timetable. It helps define an appropriate goal while leaving room for the person's relationship, values, and ongoing life.